Terry Phillips hands over to Philip Evans#BozmanRulings to reflect on Merthyr Town’s home defeat against Walton Casuals in the BetVictor Southern Premier with ‘The Night-Mayor before Christmas’. Read Philip’s amusing view from the stands:
Merthyr Town 0, Walton Casuals 2
The tannoy system suddenly kicked in and boomed noisily around Penydarren Park. The volume was so high that it rattled my metal teeth fillings.
And that was with me wearing a Russian-style Ushanka hat with matching earflaps.
It was the voice of the former First Minister of Horeb Chapel Football Team, announcing Merthyr Town’s line-up against Walton Casuals received from hard-working club secretary Jack Hodgkins.
No Gethyn Hill, no Dan Summerfield, no Kerry Morgan, or car crash victim Lee Lucas or even manager Gavin Williams.
It looked like Jack’s ‘skeleton’ crew were up against it. There was limited creative talent on show, bar of course for the magic boots of Ian Traylor.
Now in freezing conditions, it was not just the stadium announcer who has to be worth his ‘salt’, but the players, too, who had to stand up and be counted.
In a cold wind, the first half saw both teams feeling each out, with Walton players doing their best not to get injured in case it ruined their big ‘Stag Night’ out in Cardiff – planned for the evening.
Their invitation naturally stated the dress code was ‘smart, but casual’.
https://twitter.com/MerthyrTownFC/status/1205864796228378624?s=20
Up front, Walton boasted the much travelled Rene Howe, who has played for a number of clubs at a higher level including Gillingham and Newport County.
While he looked like he had swallowed a few cushions, Howe still has pace, trickery and skill to trouble defences and for once had the normally unflappable Jarrad Wright extremely rattled.
In the last few minutes Wright showed his annoyance by bundling over the angry, Rene turning him into a ‘picture’ of a ‘fallen mad-runner with the big boobies’.
‘Allo, Allo’. I will say this only once . . . . said referee Thomas Staten as he produced a yellow card for the frustrated defender.
It could all have been so different for Merthyr Town if the officials had spotted that, on 15 minutes, winger Traylor was bundled over inside the penalty box and not outside, as suggested by smiley linesman, Liam Beames.
By then, even though I had drunk two pints of lager and one pint of antifreeze, I could still see the foul was awarded in the wrong position.
Just like most of our dead ball situations this season, sadly the free kick was wasted.
The rest of the first half was played out with Merthyr’s midfield doing an impression of Chuck Norris character Colonel James Braddock, by going ‘Missing in Action’.
Walton shaded it in terms of possession and attacks attempted.
Neither ‘keeper had been seriously troubled, but new temporary kitman Gordon Awty managed to retrieve many lost balls.
https://twitter.com/MerthyrTownFC/status/1205859873155629058?s=20
Now this season, Merthyr have usually ‘elected’ to play their best form in the first half and after that dire performance, home fans could only assume and adopt the New Labour anthem and sing – ‘Things can only get better’.
Unfortunately, the team on the pitch adopted Jeremy Corbyn old strategy and were ‘labouring’ just to get hold of the ball.
With Merthyr looking disjointed, the writing was on the Walton and it was soon on the scoresheet too, as a mistake in midfield from an off-colour Jamie Veale, left Rene to show the Merthyr strike force, just Howe and why he had played at a professional level, as he regally placed the ball beyond the reach of goalkeeper Alex Harris for the opener.
The Plumpkin King had started our nightmare before Christmas and in doing so had turned Wright into an animated figure.
As the Stags grew in confidence, Merthyr players resplendent in their black n white (Awty but nice) kit, started to resemble static penguins, as if their previously ‘happy feet’ had become frozen to the pitch.
With Walton looking particularly dangerous on the left flank, where full-back Jude Mason seemed to be given the freedom of Park Terrace, it seemed only a matter of time before the away team scored a second.
It came on 90 minutes from the ever busy number eight, Manos Gogonos, after the Stag had been deeme to have sprung the offside trap, and in the absence of VAR was awarded the goal to end the Martyr’s ‘le resistance’.
The match finished 0-2 and Walton deservedly took all three points back to Thames Valley, leaving Merthyr fans looking nervously over their shoulder at the prospect of a relegation battle rather than looking forward to a promotion push in the New Year.
But only Janus (the Roman God of beginnings) knows which way Town are headed in 2020.
It Mayor may not play out well in January.
But one thing is certain , as our Aldermen already know from experience, the usual Nightmare Before Christmas has just begun.
Philip Evans, comedy author of 40-plus books, miner of Merth and Merriment – laughs at my own jokes.
Merthyr Town team (v Walton Casuals): Alex Harris, Ben Swallow, Adam Davies, Ismail Yakubu, Jarrad Wright, Kyle Patten, Ashley Evans (captain), Jamie Veale, Ryan Prosser, Kieran Lewis, Ian Traylor. Subs: Dan Summerfield, Owain Jones, Eliot Richards, Corey Jenkins
The Martyrs play Wimborne away on Saturday, while they are at home against Yate Town (MetCoaches Stadium) on Boxing Day.
